“I’m 18 years old. I don’t need a curfew.” My daughter was complaining because I just told her what time we expected her home.
Piercings, tattoos, clothing styles, hair styles, curfews and approved activities – as kids get older they still need boundaries but how do we decide how far to let them go? When can we remove the protective fences?
Because children mature differently there’s not one right answer. I reject the “I’m 18” or “I’m 13” or “I’m any other age” argument. Just living a certain number of years doesn’t make you responsible enough to make wise decisions.
As they get older and show themselves more responsible, we should switch from giving commands to giving counsel. At some point you may not be able to force compliance but you can, and should, still let your children know where you feel their boundaries should be. If you work to maintain mutual respect they will value and even seek your counsel long after they can reject your commands.
Here are three mistakes I’ve seen parents make establishing boundaries.
1. No rules based on “What will other people think?”
Man looks on the outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7) so if we want to minister to people we can’t have an arrogant “I don’t care what other people think” attitude. But “the fear of man is a snare” (Proverbs 29:25) so neither can we live as people pleasers rather than God pleasers. We must make our way pleasing to the Lord and let Him take care of the opinions of others. (Proverbs 16:7)
As parents our concern needs to be what is best for our child not “what will other people think” if we let them have blue hair or baggy jeans. Those are externals that don’t affect eternity.
Keep your rules focused on developing a heart that’s less concerned with what others think because it’s totally consumed with “What will God think?”
2. No rules based on what “good Christians” do.
We don’t want our children to act like good Christians. We want them to be genuine disciples of Jesus. Boundaries need to be based upon God’s Word not what society or even the church expects of “good Christians”.
By connecting our rules to Biblical principles we demonstrate we’re operating under His authority. We realize we’ll give account to God for how we live and train our children. This is all about Him, not us.
Whatever you do or don’t do, do it because it pleases God and one day we’ll stand before Him to give account. (2 Corinthians 5:10; Matthew 12:36, 16:27; Hebrews 14:3)
3. No rules based on anger.
Research shows that a person’s IQ actually drops when they’re angry. The Bible says: “A quick-tempered man acts foolishly. (Proverbs 14:17) We need all the brain power we can get when establishing boundaries for our children.
Anger leads us to react instead of respond. A rule made as a reaction is likely to trigger more reaction from your child – like begets like.
It’s often wise to determine what the consequence for breaking a rule will be when you establish the rule. That way if/when they break the rule you won’t create reactionary consequences – “You are grounded for the rest of your life!”
I know, O LORD, that your rules are fair; you disciplined me because I needed it. Now let your unfailing love comfort me, just as you promised me, your servant. Psalm 119:75-76
3 Comments
I certainly agree all kids are different when I was growing curfews saved me a lot of times from making bad choices
We never had a curfew while raising our 4. We just asked what time they planned on being home. No problems that I remember, ever. I had a curfew when I was a teen at home , and drove like a mad man to get home in time. I always figured if your old enough to go out , your old enough to come home when your ready.
Hey Dan – that’s a great example of how kids are different and we need to adapt our approach to match who they are. We never set a curfew for our two boys – not because they were boys but because they just naturally came home at a reasonable hour. Charis was more of a “free spirit” living more “in the moment” who would easily lose track of time. She is more like me in that way whereas our guys were more conscious of time and tomorrow’s responsibilities – like their mom.