I was leading a discussion in a parenting class when a father proudly said he had figured out how to get his teen-age daughter to always be home before her curfew.
“I don’t mind if she’s out till 11 on Fridays but she always came home 15 – 30 minutes late. So I told her she had to be home by 10:30. Now she comes in at 10:45 and I act mad but really she’s home early.”
He then concluded with this observation. “Yeah”, you gotta learn to outsmart these kids or they’ll manipulate you every time.”
Hmmmm …. I wonder where these kids learn to manipulate like that?
Tricking our kids into obedience is not obedience at all. This was a great example of how to not train your children but one most of us are probably guilty of now and then.
Here are three things I know I was guilty of – especially when I was tired or lazy – but they’re habits I tried to eliminate because I knew they were sending the wrong message.
Manipulation
- A major goal of child training is for our child to learn to submit their will to our will so that later they will be able to submit their will to God’s will. Tricking our children into “obedience” does nothing to confront their self-will.
- This method actually permits disobedience to become the standard operating procedure. “Dad gets mad but never does anything if I’m late … so technically I’m not late and don’t have to honor his requests.”
- One day they will be too smart to fall for our little games.
Repeating Instructions and making threats.
- Phrases such as, “I’m not going to tell you again”, “Do you want a spanking?”, barking their first and middle name out in staccato fashion, counting to 3 before expecting obedience are all examples of repeating instructions.
- Notice how your blood pressure rises each time you have to count or threaten or bark out their name but it has little effect upon them.
- Threats actually condition our children to only respond after we become harsh or angry. None of us want that to be our daily M.O.
- If they can obey after you count to three or go to get the spanking “rod” then they can obey after the first time they are told in a calm, controlled voice.
- Remember, it’s your taking action that motivates them to obedience – not your yelling or threats. They obey when they know the next thing you’ll do is ACT.
Accepting or actually encouraging excuses.
- When my kids disobeyed I often hoped there was a good excuse so I wouldn’t have to go through the drama of disciplining them. Pretty selfish wasn’t I?
- We can actually encourage excuses by asking for one, “Why did you do that?”
- Read more about how to deal with excuses HERE.
One of the toughest things about parenting is that discipline must start with me.
If I’m not disciplined how can I expect my children to be?
Child Discipline starts with self-discipline.
Don’t be misled–you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. – Galatians 6:7
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