I was angry at my boys. Actually they were young men now. Both worked for me on the staff of the church I pastored and I was letting them have it. They were trying to explain but their behavior was so outrageous that I was not going to listen to any excuses.
That’s when one said, “There’s no sense even trying to talk with you now – not when you have that face.”
“What do you mean, ‘That face?’”, I snapped.
“It’s that face. Whenever you look like that it’s useless trying to talk with you because you won’t listen.”
That ended the conversation but it didn’t satiate my fury. When I got home I angrily related the story to Jana. To my frustration, she understood exactly what they meant by “that face.”
“What are you talking about?!”, I again snapped.
“You have this face that you get when you aren’t going to listen. It’s the one you have on right now.”
I think I remained calm outside but inside I was fuming.
Later, after the fury of the storm passed, I began to realize that if both my sons and my wife thought there were times it was useless to talk with me because I wouldn’t listen, well, … perhaps … I should listen.
I sure didn’t want to be like that. I didn’t want to be someone they felt either afraid to approach or that it would be a waste of time to try to talk to. A family meeting was in order … but I didn’t think I was going to like it.
I took the whole family out for wonderful South Texas Mexican food – so at least something good would come out of this horrid evening. Over enchiladas I listened and later apologized for “that face”.
“I can’t promise you you’ll never see ‘that face’ again but I don’t want to be that way. I don’t want you to ever feel I won’t listen. And I give you permission, if you see ‘that face’, to tell me. And I will try to stop and listen.”
“I want you to feel you can tell me anything and I will at least listen.”
Then I braced myself and asked, “Other than “that face”, do you see other areas in my life that I need to change? You can tell me anything and I will not justify myself or give you ‘that face’. I will just listen.”
Actually, the main reason I said that last part was to remind myself that no matter what came next, I had to bite my lip, shut my mouth, listen and offer no justifications for my actions. Other wise I would be shutting them down and missing a great opportunity to hear the brutal truth from people that I knew loved me and were committed to my best interests.
It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I ended with tears in my eyes and a closer relationship with my wife and kids.
I found humility and a genuine apology have more magical power than Peter Pan’s pixie dust. They can cause a relationship to soar way beyond Neverland.
I share this because I know parents that think if they apologize to their kids they’ll lose their respect. I’ve found the opposite to be true. I frequently apologized for losing my temper, misjudging them, being a jerk, etc. I apologized a lot to my kids when they were young and I discovered that I keep goofing up even as they grow into adults. ***
I need God’s grace in my life. I can’t afford to have him oppose me in my parenting or in any other area of my life. To receive His grace we must remain humble.
“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
– James 4:6
*** Obviously, inviting younger children to correct you like this is probably not appropriate. It’s not their place nor do they have the spiritual maturity to even know what is right. But as they age and demonstrate greater spiritual insight who better to point out blind spots than a spouse and kids who care for you more than anyone else on earth? I learned it is wise to listen to them.
1 Comment
Loved it!!! Truth!