How to keep from passing fear on to your kids. (Interview with my mom, Jana Menard Malm) http://loveslowsdown.comPosted by Joël Malm on Tuesday, August 4, 2020
There is a lot of fear being stoked into flame in our society. But what about our kids? How can we protect them from those who are working overtime to plant fear into their hearts? Our oldest son, Joel, talks with his mom about how to keep from passing fear on to your children.
For the full 15 minute interview check out: THE MALM PODCAST
I was talking with a mother of a teenage daughter and could not believe what I was hearing. This single mom was actively involved in the church I had recently begun pastoring and she claimed to be a Christian. But she was pressuring her teenage daughter to marry a young man who made it clear he was not a believer. As we talked, it became clear that she didn’t even like the guy. The daughter was infatuated with him but was telling mom she wasn’t ready to get married.
So, finally, I had to ask, “Why do you want your daughter to marry this guy you don’t even like?” Her answer was possibly one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard a parent say.
After a time of worship where my wife led one of the songs, an older woman approached me. “Jana did such a wonderful job leading that song. I was really blessed by it.” That was great but then she added, “Oh, don’t tell her that though. I wouldn’t want her to get a big head about it.”
I responded, “I’m going to tell her and it would be even better if you would tell her, too. Most of us need all the encouragement we can get.”
We hear a lot today about how kids are coddled and given trophies and praised to high heaven just for breathing. While standing against such ridiculousness we need to make sure we don’t go to the opposite extreme and adopt this lady’s concern about them getting a “big head”. Because, as I told her, most of us need all the encouragement we can get.
Here are 3 tips on how to make your encouragement helpful and meaningful.
While serving as principal of a Christian school two little boys were hauled into my office for fighting.
I put on my “stern, disappointed Principal” face and asked what happened.
“He hit me!”
I could see the anger on the other boy’s face. So I asked, “Did you hit him?”
“Yes. But it all started when he hit me back!”
Even as adults we are prone to make excuses for our actions rather than take responsibility for them.
A crucial lesson to teach our children
is that we are accountable for our behavior.
Even if no one saw us, some One saw us and we will give account for our words and deeds.
DEALING WITH EXCUSES
But how can we effectively deal with excuses?
Most Christian parents can quote Proverbs 22:6:
“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
And, I’ve seen many of these same parents carefully teach their children about God. But, here’s the crazy part: I’ve also seen many of these same parents train their children in the exact opposite way that they teach them. There is a difference between teaching and training.
Obviously, in this post, we are not talking about you or me so let’s refer to the anonymous “they” for these short examples.
They teach their children that they must respect and obey God’s Word.
But they train them that authorities and commands can be ignored. By repeating their requests at an ever-increasing volume, or by saying the child’s first, middle and last name with a staccato emphasis, or, perhaps worst of all, by just pretending they didn’t ask the child to do something, they train the child that authorities can be ignored without consequences.
(Aren’t you glad we are talking about “them” and not you and me?)
I love that scene from The Lord of the Rings where Gandalf stands on the bridge between some sort of fiery demon and his friends declaring, “You … shall not … pass!” (Extra LOTR nerd points if you know the name of that creature. And, if you are totally clueless as to what I’m talking about you can catch that scene HERE.)
As parents, we sometimes draw hard lines like that with our kids … You shall not pass! And we do need to establish rules. Children feel more secure when they have firm boundaries. But I’m afraid sometimes we draw the lines too tight and for wrong reasons. Not every bridge is worth dying on – as Gandalf does at the end of this scene. (ooops .. spoiler)
Here are some tips to help when trying to decide if it’s time to chill out or take a stand and tell the demon, “This far and no more.”
Someone wrote and asked, “What can I do to get my kids to quit fighting and get along with each other?” I’m not sure every family deals with this problem but I know it was a regular battle in our home and even in Jesus’ home.
Did you know that Jesus’ brothers mocked and teased him? Even in the blessed mother’s home there was sibling strife. Even the miracle power of Jesus couldn’t stop it. In fact, his miracles were one of the things his brothers made fun of (John 7:2-5, Mark 3:21).
The fact that your kids provoke one another is nothing new. It goes back to the first two kids ever born. Remember, Cain killed Abel. Rejoice that it hasn’t gotten that bad at your house, yet.
When our kids were home we had lots of times when the kids got along perfectly – no arguing or bickering. Then it would be morning, they’d wake up and things would go downhill quickly.
I assumed that as they matured – by Middle school, or at the latest, High School – they would naturally outgrow the sibling bickering. I assumed wrong. As long as they lived together they found reason to pick at one another and squabble about something – everything(?).
Amazingly, once they moved out of the house, they became each other’s biggest fans and cheerleaders. Here are four things you can do now to help that happen one day for your kids, too.
Would you agree that this is an accurate parenting formula?
The volume of your voice is inversely proportional to how well your kids hear you.
Yell for them and they don’t hear a word. But try to whisper something sensitive to your spouse and they hear you half-way across the house, in a room with the door closed and the TV on.
Your kids may appear “lost in space” but Big brother is watching and listening. So is little brother and all the sisters, too. And if the total loss of all privacy is not bad enough, the truly terrifying part is that they’re going to imitate your life, not your lectures. They become who you are, not who you tell them to be.
They proudly told me, “We don’t look at our son’s text messages, Facebook, Instagram or other accounts. We think he needs his privacy.” Obviously these parents felt this was a sign of good parenting.
I agree a teen needs some privacy. But what they see as giving privacy is actually abandoning their son to walk alone in a minefield of incredible temptation.
An online world of endless perversion is stalking each of us on our phone and computer screen. You don’t have to look for it, it’s hunting you and will devour you if it can. (1 Peter 5:8)
This isn’t about privacy. This isn’t about trust. It’s about protection.
It’s not likely a principal from a school in Singapore actually wrote the letter (fake news) but no matter who the author is, it’s good information and I’m glad it went viral again. CLICK HERE TO READ IT.
I’m an educator. I believe in it. I have a Master’s Degree in Education and just lack my dissertation to have an earned PhD. My wife, kids and their spouses all have college degrees. I was principal of 3 Christian schools, consulted with 2 others, was a School Board President, Interim Director of an overseas school and have experience teaching in public schools. I even believe the Bible teaches the importance of education. But despite all that I have to say, success in school is not all it’s cracked up to be.