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Rick Malm

Don’t forget to look for these three things

I was standing alone at a counter of a print shop waiting to pick up an order when I noticed a stack of papers that had been left on the counter. It was a report on a client from a local counseling center – obviously something highly confidential and personal – something I had no business reading.

At the time I was in charge of a 24 hours counseling ministry so I decided that just a few quick glances would technically not be shameless snooping, it was more like “professional inquiry” – research. And research is good, right?

It started by detailing the patient’s problem.

  • Patient initiated therapy due to frequent bouts of severe depression.
  • Patient believes his continuing abuse of alcohol is a major contributing factor to the failure of all three of his marriages.

Continue Reading

July 20, 2015 by

How can I get my teen to open up and talk with me?

A Father / Daughter Post

From Charis

I did a lot of foolish things growing up. But my parents knew about nearly every one of them. Usually because I told them.

I know that’s not the norm – most kids withdraw during teen years.
I wanted to have an open relationship with my parents. But so did my friends.

I remember conversations with teenage friends who expressed a desire to share their questions, doubts and dumb mistakes with their parents. So why did I feel free to do so when many of my friends were afraid to?
 Continue Reading

July 16, 2015 by

It might be hard but it needs to be said.

You gotta love Italians.

As a young minister I was teaching a class and as part of an illustration I said my wife recently asked me if I loved her. At the close of the class, a sweet older Italian woman came up, put her arm around me and whispered in my ear, “Sweetie, if she has to ask, you aren’t saying it enough.”

Ouch! That hurt. But it was the good kind of hurt. I needed to hear it. She was right.
From that day on I decided I was going to regularly tell my wife, and later my kids, that they were loved. I haven’t always done it as much as I should but I have never regretted making the effort.

If they have to ask, you aren’t saying it enough. Continue Reading

July 13, 2015 by

Can you believe the amazing power of apology?

I was angry at my boys. Actually they were young men now. Both worked for me on the staff of the church I pastored and I was letting them have it. They were trying to explain but their behavior was so outrageous that I was not going to listen to any excuses.

That’s when one said, “There’s no sense even trying to talk with you now – not when you have that face.”

“What do you mean, ‘That face?’”, I snapped.

“It’s that face. Whenever you look like that it’s useless trying to talk with you because you won’t listen.”

That ended the conversation but it didn’t satiate my fury. When I got home I angrily related the story to Jana. To my frustration, she understood exactly what they meant by “that face.”

“What are you talking about?!”, I again snapped.

“You have this face that you get when you aren’t going to listen. It’s the one you have on right now.”

I think I remained calm outside but inside I was fuming.

Later, after the fury of the storm passed, I began to realize that if both my sons and my wife thought there were times it was useless to talk with me because I wouldn’t listen, well, … perhaps … I should listen.

I sure didn’t want to be like that. I didn’t want to be someone they felt either afraid to approach or that it would be a waste of time to try to talk to. A family meeting was in order … but I didn’t think I was going to like it. Continue Reading

July 9, 2015 by

Do you really want to say that to your child?

Right now I’m sitting in an almost empty coffee shop section of a huge church in San Antonio. I’m alone except for a mother, grandfather and a child of about 8 years old seated at a table about 20 feet away. The child has an iPad as a babysitter while Mom and Grandpa stare into the empty cavernous foyer.

Occasionally Mom tries to get her son to do something other than play the iPad game and he bursts out, “I don’t want to do that. Leave me alone.”

Mom quickly obeys and grandpa just quietly minds his own business.

But then the little guy started into a screaming rant about the game that left mom helplessly watching and grandpa decided it was time to step in and exercise his authority. “Shhh. We’re in church.”

Remember, we are in a huge, empty foyer – more like a Starbucks than a church. I don’t think they even know I’m here. No one is in sight in any direction. No one is being disturbed by his noise, except mom and grandpa. And grandpa blames the need to be quiet upon being “in church”.

Should that bother me? It does. In fact it really irritates me and here’s why. Continue Reading

July 6, 2015 by

How can you help your child be a success?

Fifty six men secretly gathered on a hot day in July. With no air conditioning the room was sweltering but they had more critical matters than comfort on their minds. They gathered to sign a document that would essentially be their death warrant. It would put them on a crash course with the government. If caught they would be arrested, perhaps executed as traitors.

But they were committed to the idea that “all men are created equal”.

What they were saying is that royalty or commoner, all people are of equal value because they have been stamped with the image of their Creator.

But we also realize that not all people are created equal. That same Creator deposited differing abilities and talents, strengths and weaknesses in each of His children. No two are exactly alike. He handcrafted each to accomplish His good purpose in them. (Ephesians 2:10)

A hammer is designed to do a specific job. A pencil does a different job. A hammer in a “pencil” world can easily think something is wrong with him. The “hammer” child needs lots of affirmation from parents who understand there is nothing wrong with being a “hammer”. Because his report card – designed to measure virtues of “pencil people” – will certainly look like he is a lost cause.

So what is it that causes one child to succeed and another to fail?
How can I help my child be a success? Continue Reading

July 2, 2015 by

7 Things Youth Need From Their Parents So They Won’t Abandon God

A guest post by Frank Powell

Why are young people leaving the church? If I had a dollar for every time I heard this question, I would have a lot of dollars. And I get it. The rate at which young people are leaving the church is alarming. Everyone has experienced a young person throwing aside their faith, either directly or indirectly. It’s devastating.

So, how does the church need to change? While this question needs to be addressed, I don’t think it provides an answer to the problem.

You see, I believe parents are the primary link between young people and God. Not the church. In his book Soul Searching, Christian Smith says this:

The most important social influence in shaping young people’s religious lives is the religious life modeled and taught to them by their parents.

In an interview with Drs. Kara Powell and Chap Clark, Smith goes even further:

When it comes to kids’ faith, parents get what they are.

Whoa. That’s real.

Here’s the deal. Parents, you are painting a portrait of God for your children every day. Every word, action and conversation is a brushstroke. And when your children prepare to leave home, they are staring at a portrait of God. A portrait that shapes their actions and decisions about faith moving forward.

Are there exceptions? Absolutely. As a youth minister, I witnessed young people leave Jesus, even though the faith of their parents was rock solid. I also saw young people continue into college on fire for God, even though their parents had shaky, fickle faith. So, this isn’t a black and white issue. Few issues are.

But will you, as a parent, play an enormous role in shaping the faith of your children? No doubt.

With that being said, I want to point out some things young people need from their parents. I present these as someone who left God for a season in college, someone who ministers to young people every day, and someone who is passionate about reaching the next generation.

Here are seven things youth need from their parents so they won’t abandon God. Continue Reading

June 29, 2015 by

My son just punched a girl! What do I do now?

This is Joel’s story so I’ll let him start by telling what happened.

When I was ten years old a villain entered my life. Her family started coming to the church where dad was pastor.

She was bigger than me and loved to bully me. At an after-church social event she and two of her amazon-girl friends pinned me against a wall. They held my arms while she slapped my face over and over.

I warned her twice but she didn’t stop.

In a surge of fury I broke loose from the two amazons and punched her in the face. She dropped to her knees. Her friends ran away.

You know that my-life-is-over feeling? I had it. Continue Reading

June 25, 2015 by

How to transform into The Amazing SuperParent!

I know a genuine super mom. She always looks great and is never frazzled by her children.

Her younger kids never act up. They love to take naps, never have to be told to pick up after themselves. They never squabble, never spill their freshly squeezed orange juice or drop their 100% organic food on the spotless shiny floor. The older ones always come home early, do homework without prodding, always speak respectfully to adults and love to help around the house.

I know that sounds unbelievable but this is a real person. And that is exactly the way her children are – at least that is how she assured me her kids would act, before she actually had any.

Then came the real kids and the real world.

As a young Dad I quickly discovered kids are like kryptonite. It’s easy to be SuperParent if they aren’t around. But as soon as a KryptoKid shows up super powers fade and you’re left helplessly gasping for air desperately trying to escape their clutches.

If your KryptoKids have sapped all your super powers I have some great news for you. Continue Reading

June 22, 2015 by

Allow your kids to swallow some water.

From my son – Jonathan

In Middle School I asked my dad if I could go to a friend’s party where I knew the festivities would be less than “kosher”. I knew he would say “no” and I would be off the hook.

But he didn’t say “no”. He asked, “What do you think? Do you think this party would be beneficial for you?”

It totally threw me off-guard. His question forced me to take responsibility for my actions. Based on the girl’s reputation, I couldn’t imagine anything good would happen. I decided I wouldn’t go.

I don’t know if Dad knew what he was doing but this was one of the big moments where I started thinking like an adult. It was no longer about running around aimlessly hoping Dad would make my important choices for me. I now had the responsibility for making my own wise choices.

The scary thing is I’m pretty sure he would have let me go if I’d convinced myself it was alright. I’m glad I made the right decision. And I’m pretty sure I saw him breathe a sigh of relief when he heard my response, too.

Dad’s thoughts.

I’m not sure if I was being a brilliant Dad or if it was dumb luck but I do know it’s better to learn to swim in a pool with lifeguards than alone in the open ocean. Continue Reading

June 18, 2015 by