All Posts By

Rick Malm

A “shocking” truth about rules and kids.

An elementary school didn’t have a fence around its playground and the staff noticed that when the children went out for recess they tended to play close to the building. The playground equipment in the middle of the yard went unused.

As soon as the school put up a fence the children fanned out and used the entire playground. Researchers determined that instead of restricting them, the established boundaries actually freed the children to be more adventurous.

They felt safe because they knew where the boundaries were both for them and for others. The fence didn’t just keep them in; it also kept dangers out.

Instead of restricting children, rules actually provide a greater sense of liberty and security for them.  TWEET THAT  Continue Reading

February 18, 2016 by

If your child always pushes the limits this could be why.

A friend wrote with this dilemma and question.
“You said spanking should be reserved for two times: when a child intentionally hurts another and when they’re in rebellion.

I’ve never seen my 2.5 year old rebel. I’m wondering if I don’t know what I’m looking for?

When asked to do something Jared often tells us “no”. But we think he’s just expressing that he doesn’t want to do it – rather than refusing to do it. For example, I tell him to clean his room. He says, “No” but starts cleaning almost as soon as he says it.

Am I missing something?

My response:
I know Jared. He has a wonderfully sweet temperament and I agree he’s probably just expressing his sadness at having to stop playing and clean up.

But let me add, we can’t be shocked when even the most compliant child tests to see if we’re big enough to make them obey. Rebellion is as much a part of human nature as breathing. We inherited it from our father – Adam. And it’s not all bad. Continue Reading

February 15, 2016 by

It was a scary day at the zoo!

Jana and I spent last Saturday afternoon at the zoo with Adi, our oldest granddaughter. It was a scary time because a lot of animals were running around that should have been in cages. Let me tell you about three of them. The last one was the wildest of all.

We were looking at a magnificent jaguar when I heard a mother behind me scold her child. “Don’t go running off from me. You’re such a cute thing that somebody will snatch you for sure!”

What?! Was that a compliment? A manipulation tactic to get the child to stay close by? What was going through that momma’s brain? Threatening that somebody will “snatch you” sure isn’t a healthy thought to plant in a child’s brain. What other crazy stuff does that mom tell her child?

But it got worse. Continue Reading

February 11, 2016 by

Three Reasons You Can’t Be Your Child’s Friend and Parent.

My wife and I agree that some of our best friends in the world are our kids. But I believe one reason we’re so close is because we weren’t their friends when they were younger.

We can either be our kid’s parents or we can be their friends. They can find scores of friends but of the 7 billion people on earth, you’re one of only two who is their parent. They desperately need you to be their parent.

“Why can’t I be my kid’s friend and parent?”
Here are three reasons.

1. You’re responsible for your child’s well-being – spiritually, emotionally, physically, in all areas. You don’t carry that responsibility for a friend.

It’s not your job to step in every time a friend makes a poor choice. It’s not your job to make sure your friends eat right, do their work or learn to be kind, compassionate and loving. Friends don’t micro-manage friends like that.

But as a parent it’s not only your right, it is your responsibility under God to guide and direct your children – to train them up in the way they should go. You cannot do that as a buddy. Continue Reading

February 8, 2016 by

4 simple ways to communicate clearly with your kids

A band of soldiers were camped on a hilltop when the lookout saw two guys off in the distance. The Captain ordered a private to grab some binoculars and find out if those guys were friends or foes. After checking them out the private reported, “Sir, I’m pretty sure they’re friends … because they’re walking real close together.”

The Bible says kid’s brains don’t process information like our brains – when I was a child I reasoned like a child. (1 Corinthians 13:11) It’s important we communicate our rules, desires and expectations clearly and age-appropriately if we expect our kids to be able to obey.

Here are four ways I’ve seen to help make sure our communication is clear.

  1. No sarcasm

It might be cute to ask, “Were you born in a barn?” but kids don’t process sarcasm well – and it really isn’t a godly character trait that we want them to develop. Besides, they weren’t responsible for where they were born. Only you know what you were doing in a barn if that’s where they were born. 🙂 Continue Reading

February 4, 2016 by

Spanking not working? This simple solution will.

My posts on spanking sparked some wild responses. Some broke my heart, some made me laugh. This one, from my friend Joy, made me think – and you know how I hate to do that.

So, instead of answering her question I put it back on her and asked what she thought. She had some amazing insights that I asked if I could share with you.

Joy’s question:
What do you do when spanking doesn’t work? I remember my parents spanking me repeatedly for – and you’ll probably laugh – locking everyone out of the bathroom for hours. I would take my toys and books into the bathroom, lock the door and play or read.

My parents spanked me for this one morning and ten minutes later I locked everybody out again. Another spanking. Two hours later I did it again. Repeat. And on and on this went. They disabled the lock and I went into their bathroom and locked that one.

What do you do when spanking does not work like it didn’t work on me?

Continue Reading

February 1, 2016 by

My father was a violent alcoholic.

Some men get mellow when they drink. For some the alcohol releases the anger and violence pent up inside. My father was a violent alcoholic.

I have two memories of him. Both occurred when I was around 4 years old. In one, with guns drawn the police were searching for him in a field at night. In the other, I was hidden in a tool shed and told to keep quiet because he was hunting me with a rifle intending to kill me.

Obviously marrying him was not a wise choice but after the divorce my mom did make a very wise decision. She never once spoke to us negatively about him. By controlling her tongue she did not plant seeds of anger, resentment and bitterness in my brother or me.

Bitterness is a root that grows in a heart that fails to forgive. It will take over and choke out the soul of the one who allows it to take root. (Hebrews 12:15) Continue Reading

January 28, 2016 by

Why you shouldn’t spank your kids in public. It’s not why you think.

From Chapter 4 of Spare the Rod.
__________
One beautiful spring day, Jana was picking the kids up at school when the teacher said, “I want to be sure you see this note about Joel.”

When she handed the note to Jana, Joel grabbed it, ripped it up and threw it on the ground right in front of mom, teacher, and other horrified onlookers.

Though she was totally embarrassed, my wise wife calmly escorted her son to the car and brought him home … where the gallows were then prepared.

Hangings used to be public to instill fear into the hearts of would-be criminals. But I believe spankings should not be a public affair. But not for the reason you’re thinking. Continue Reading

January 25, 2016 by

What are the odds my kids will be Christian? Here are the stats.

As a Christian educator I read a lot of research where they tried to discover who or what most impacted a child’s decisions and future. Every survey, every study came to the same conclusion.

Despite the fact that most kids spend more time in school and with friends than with their parents, it was still the parents that had the greatest influence upon their children.

Another study looked at four types of families. Based on which type of family you have they gave the odds that your child would catch your faith and follow the Lord. Which of these best describes your family? Continue Reading

January 21, 2016 by

It’s controversial but here’s why it worked for me.

One afternoon my oldest son Joel came stomping into the house ranting about something a friend had done. One thing led to another and before long it was time for Dad to step in and extinguish the flaming fury before it got out of control.

In situations like this I sometimes used a controversial child training tool – the Bible. I would have the kids copy a passage of Scripture that applied to the problem.

“But if they have to copy Scripture won’t it make them hate the Bible?”

To be honest, I didn’t know for sure. But I can tell you today that Joel loves, studies and teaches the Word and I’ve even heard him quote passages that he memorized while writing them out 10 or 15 times.

I do think that done incorrectly it could cause resentment.
So here’s how I used it and I think this is why it worked for us. Continue Reading

January 18, 2016 by