Dealing With Excuses – 2

In “Dealing with Excuses 1” we saw how easy it is for us to encourage excuses. When we ask “Why did you do that?” we encourage our children to create an excuse.  So step one to dealing with excuses is to train ourselves to stop asking for excuses.

1. Don’t encourage excuses.

But even if we don’t encourage them, our children will make excuses so it is important that we recognize when they are making an excuse.

2. Recognize when they are making an excuse.

Here are some typical excuses.

1. Denial – “I didn’t do it.”
2. Blaming others – “He made me do it.”
3. Blaming circumstances – “The glass of milk spilled.”
4. Blaming authorities – “But that’s what Dad told me to do.”
5. Blaming our nature – “I’ve always had a bad temper.”
6. Self-reproach – “I guess I’m just clumsy.”

While the first four examples are pretty easy to recognize as excuses, the last two are more subtle. It sounds like the child is accepting responsibility for his behavior but actually this self depreciating approach is still saying his actions were not his fault, they were beyond his control.  They are excuses.

It is natural for a parent to be jolted by the last two and forget about the incident.  “You aren’t clumsy (stupid, lazy, etc) it was just an accident.”  This proves to be a very effective way to avoid the consequences of bad behavior.  Don’t be sidetracked.  You can deal with the fact that they aren’t clumsy, stupid, etc later but deal with the misbehavior first.

We will likely never be able to totally eliminate excuse making but we can let our children know that no matter how truthful or accurate the excuse it does not absolve us from responsibility for our actions.  How can we do this?

3. Focus on their behavior.

If several kids are involved in the incident help each one focus on their part.

• Joe reports: “Susy threw the spoon at Johnny.”
• Parent’s Response: “What did you do, Joe?”
• Susy and Johnny’s behavior will be dealt with separately.
• “She called me a name so I hit her.”
• Response: “So you hit your sister.”
• This puts the focus back on his behavior and not the excuse.

Her actions will be dealt with separately but he needs to take responsibility for his behavior.

We want to teach our children:

The misbehavior of others does not absolve us from responsibility for our actions.

When we stand before God we will not give account for what others did but we will give account for our behavior and for how we responded to what others did. By training our children that they are accountable for their behavior – regardless of what others did – we are preparing them for life and eternity.
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Ecclesiastes 5:6 (MSG)
Don’t let your mouth make a total sinner of you. When called to account, you won’t get by with “Sorry, I didn’t mean it.”