I hated it when you did this.

My youngest son, Jonathan, and I were talking about kids when he shared this revelation with me.

“I always hated it when you made us tell you what we did wrong. I would have rather you just punished me and gotten it over with.”

Here’s why I tried to always have my kids repeat back to me what they did wrong before I handed down any punishment.

1. I saw it as a Biblical principle.
If we confess … he forgives … – 1 John 1:9
God says we must confess – agree with him that our behavior is wrong – for His forgiveness to take effect in our lives.

2. It ensured they knew what they were in trouble for.
It’s natural for kids to assume they’re getting punished because we’re mad at them. We may be mad but any consequences they suffer should be a result of their behavior, not our feelings. Consequences come because they did wrong, not because they inconvenienced or irritated us.

And, when possible, we need to relate it to the heart issue problem not what they did wrong (which is just a manifestation of the heart problem).

Often I had to explain it a couple of times before they got it.
“Why are you in trouble?”
“Because I made mom mad.”
“No.”
“Because I broke the washing machine.”
“No. You’re in trouble because you were being mean to the cat (heart issue) by soaking it in the washing machine. Now what did you do wrong?”
“I was being mean to the cat.”

Bad behavior: Put cat in washing machine –> broke washing machine.
Heart issue: Mean to cat
The godly care for their animals, but the wicked are always cruel.   – Proverbs 12:10

3. If we don’t have to admit what we did wrong it’s easy to later excuse our behavior and blame others.
“That cat always gets me in trouble.”
“Mom cares more about her washing machine than me.”

 Confessing our wrong makes us take personal responsibility for the consequences we are suffering and cleanses the soul.

If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us … 1 John 1:9

 The final reason to take time to talk with the child before handing out any punishment –

4. It gave me time to cool down, figure out exactly what it was they did wrong – the heart issue rather than just the irritation it was to me – and listen to the Lord for wisdom about what would be an appropriate consequence.