My youngest son, Jonathan, and I were talking about kids when he shared this revelation with me.
“I always hated it when you made us tell you what we did wrong. I would have rather you just punished me and gotten it over with.”
Here’s why I tried to always have my kids repeat back to me what they did wrong before I handed down any punishment.
“I know my dad loves me. But I wish he liked me, too.”
That so accurately expresses the feelings of many kids today.
Of course you love your kids but do they know you also like them? What are some ways we can let our kids know we like them? How can we help them feel loved?
Here are some things I’ve seen as I watch parents interact with their children.
Tom was the ideal son but around age 12 his behavior began to spin out of control. Two years later his parents were meeting with a counselor for help.
“We’ve tried everything. We spanked him. We took away privileges. We grounded him. We’ve tried to reward him for appropriate behavior. We’ve tried every recommendation. What did we do wrong?”
Tom’s parents loved him. They tried to parent “by the book” but it just wasn’t working. Are some kids just “bad seeds” destined for trouble? What was up with their once ideal son?
Near our house stands a 77 foot 7 inch high steel cross. It’s huge!
It’s the work of an artist friend of ours, Max Greiner. Max recently planted dozens of trees and because of the constant wind each tree is staked on all four sides so it grows straight.
Like these trees, our kids are going to face strong and shifting winds of culture and morality. And like these trees, if they are not securely anchored they will be driven by every wind and grow bent and twisted.
Restraint is involved.
The wires restrain the tree from going the way it would naturally go in response to the winds. Children also need parents to restrain them from going the way they would naturally go driven by peers, society, media, etc.
“A child who is unrestrained brings shame to his mother.” – Proverbs 29:15
David asked what every Christian parents asks, “How can I make sure my child lives right in a wicked world?” He then gives us the answer.
How can a young person keep his life pure? He can do it by holding on to your word. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. – Psalm 119:9, 11
This tells me it’s crucial we get large doses of God’s Word into our kids. I have further evidence of the power of this in my life and the lives of my kids – all of whom have been infused with large doses of God’s Word.
I went to a very progressive high school. Later I realized that’s one reason I still struggle with math.
But they did have an awesome drivers training program complete with simulators. We would climb in our fake car, focus on the screen and for 30 minutes dodge stray dogs, brake for kids chasing balls and practice all sorts of evasive maneuvers.
But one crucial aspect of driving couldn’t be taught in the simulator. We couldn’t experience it until we got out onto the open highway.
Scores of gory road accident movies convinced us we did not want to have a head-on collision. So, logic says the best way to stay in your lane is to keep your eye on the center line so you always know where it is.
But the instructors warned us, “If you watch the line you will veer toward the line and you will die a bloody and horrible death.”
It was hard to believe but they were right – except about the “thou shalt surely die” part. If you watch the center line while you naturally drift toward that line.
It’s a principle in life: We are drawn toward that which we focus on.
Lauren is a smart, articulate mom of four – including twins. She is not only a writer but also an editor for a magazine about children. I first “met” her through a parenting article in the Washington Post. I was impressed by her candidness and honesty as she expressed her frustrations in raising her four children.
“My kids don’t listen to me. Or, rather, they listen to me, but rarely the first time and rarely without protest. Everything, it seems, is up for negotiation in our house … How do you command respect as a parent? This is a question I’ve been asking myself a lot recently, because I am increasingly convinced that I don’t.”
Wow. I could relate. I think she captured the frustration of hundreds, perhaps hundreds of thousands of well-meaning parents.
She goes on to say, ““My mother has long believed that for young children to listen to their parents they need to fear the consequences. I yell at my kids when they get out of hand, and to my own ears I sound like a banshee, but it doesn’t necessarily scare them into submission.”
Like Lauren, as a young father I wondered why my kids would often force me to get angry before they would obey. Why won’t they just do as I ask because they love me and know I love them?
At that time I was serving as Principal of a Christian school and I had a wonderful, seasoned teacher explain it to me. It turns out Lauren’s mother is right!
If you ever feel like a lousy parent could it be that the problem is totally unrelated to your parenting skills? See if this makes sense.
When I did children’s ministry I often appeared as “Cornball” the clown.
All clowns juggle so I learned to juggle.
I’m still OK at it today but I never got really good at more than three balls.
If you saw me juggle three balls you’d probably say, “He’s pretty good.”
If you saw me juggle four balls you’d probably say, “He’s pretty lousy.”
If you saw me juggle five balls you’d say, “This guy can’t juggle at all.”
I can juggle behind my back, under my leg, off the floor, overhand and underhand but three is my limit. If I go beyond that I am a lousy juggler. We all have limits.
I grew up in the golden age of boy bands and sitcoms. N’SYNC and Backstreet Boys ruled airwaves. Saved By The Bell, Family Matters, and Boy Meets World ruled TV screens. Glorious times.
But they came and went. Even the best show, movies, etc. operate on borrowed time.
Has the idea of sexual purity gone the way of Family Matters and N’SYNC?
Is it no longer relevant?
Here are 5 very important truths about sexual purity and why we need to consider it.
1.) Virginity is not the win.
Bob and Carol were an amazing couple. As a young husband and father I looked up to them as role models. They were godly. They had a strong marriage. Every Sunday their family sat together in church. They even homeschooled their kids. I hoped that someday Jana and I could have a marriage and family as solid as theirs.
One day, in passing, I asked Bob why he didn’t attend the mid-week service. “Oh, that’s our family night.”
I was impressed. We tried family night a time or two, but with small kids it felt impossible. I wished I had the discipline these folks had. But, I also thought: Why not come to church and use any other night for family night?
I also noticed they didn’t put their kids in the children’s ministry and youth programs. That was a little different but these were awesome parents and I could sure see great value in having the kids sit with them at church.
Time passed and something weird happened. As Bob and Carol’s kids went off to college I noticed their kids didn’t attend church. When my kids left home for college or work they not only immediately found a church but they got active serving in that church.
I couldn’t figure it out. I was such a lousy parent compared to Bob and Carol.