As a school principal I got a quick education on several parenting myths. When I had to have a conference with parents over their child’s behavior I’d start by letting them know the problem. Then I’d usually offer some suggestions for correcting the problem.
“Oh, no”, would often be the response. “I don’t think we could do that. You see, we believe …”
And then they would share some insight they gained from a popular magazine or some “expert” they heard on a talk show. It didn’t take long for me to figure out why we were having this meeting.
The child was almost never the problem. The parent and their parenting style was. Here are 4 of the faulty ideas that I often heard and that are still popular today.
- Kids misbehave because they don’t feel good about themselves.
The theory here is that if we can just make our kids feel better about themselves they’ll behave better. The truth is they don’t misbehave because of self-esteem problems. They misbehave because of self-will problems.
We are born with a sin nature. We want to be god of our universe. (Remember the serpent’s words to Eve – you shall be as gods.) But we were never created to be gods and our conscience condemns us. (Romans 2:15) We can tell our kids they are wonderful but their heart (conscience) tells them the truth.
But if they will bring their behavior in line – subject their will to the will of those authorities God has put in their lives – then that same conscience will commend them. So, feeling better about themselves will not make children behave better but better behavior will result in feeling better about themselves. If you want your children to have higher self-esteem, train them to obey.
When our kids are successful at meeting small behavioral goals – and they experience the rewards and feelings of achievement that comes from that success – it encourages them and challenges them to reach even higher.
Success breeds success. The reward may be a gold star on a chart, a word of praise or any reward that is meaningful to them. The point is that by rewarding obedience you are reinforcing and cooperating with their conscience.
Romans 2:15
They demonstrate that God’s law is written in their hearts, for their own conscience and thoughts either accuse them or tell them they are doing right.
Here are the three other myths that I’ll challenge in my next 3 blogs.
- Being firm requires getting angry and yelling.
- It’s important we understand the feelings behind our child misbehaving.
- Spanking teaches violence, is not effective and should not be used.
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