My posts on spanking sparked some wild responses. Some broke my heart, some made me laugh. This one, from my friend Joy, made me think – and you know how I hate to do that.
So, instead of answering her question I put it back on her and asked what she thought. She had some amazing insights that I asked if I could share with you.
Joy’s question:
What do you do when spanking doesn’t work? I remember my parents spanking me repeatedly for – and you’ll probably laugh – locking everyone out of the bathroom for hours. I would take my toys and books into the bathroom, lock the door and play or read.
My parents spanked me for this one morning and ten minutes later I locked everybody out again. Another spanking. Two hours later I did it again. Repeat. And on and on this went. They disabled the lock and I went into their bathroom and locked that one.
What do you do when spanking does not work like it didn’t work on me?
My wise response:
“Joy, I have no idea. What do you think would have worked?”
Joy’s insight:
I think the breakthrough came when they figured out it wasn’t a rebellion or defiance issue. It simply had to do with me needing to be alone for a while.
I shared a room with my sister who was five years younger than me and had a very different personality. That made my room more of a battleground than a retreat space. Getting a spanking was just the price I willingly paid to have some quiet time alone.
Eventually they gave me my own room – at least the best they could do – a tiny closet sized room. It might seem like they were rewarding my bad behavior but I think it was an acknowledgment of who I was and what I needed as an introverted kid. My relationship with my sister improved significantly after that, and with my parents as well.
My parents had to sit me down and talk to me individually to get to the bottom of it. All it took was understanding and communication. I wish they had done it sooner.
Much of this probably just has to do with knowing your kids and knowing when there is a need they have that isn’t being met.
I think a good indicator that something deeper is going on is when the child sees the fear of punishment as a price to be paid rather than something that deters them from misbehaving. Especially if the child isn’t showing any other signs of defiance.
Whenever you shepherd, know the faces of your sheep, and set your heart upon your flock.
Proverbs 27:23 (Aramaic)
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