What to do when you’ve lost control

He was a first year teacher and was going to be in charge of our Middle School. Even though we had good kids at the school where I was Principal, Middle Schoolers have been known to reduce a grown man to tears of frustration. I knew I needed to prepare him with some basic rules for surviving tweenagers.

The first six weeks went great. But into the eighth week he came to my office. “I don’t know what happened. I’ve lost control. The kids don’t respond to me like they used to.”

Before I tell you what happened, let me share where I got the bit of wisdom that enabled him to regain control of his classrooms.

Researchers worked with young children at a school and for the first semester of the year the school had no fence around the playground. When the children were out for recess they would stay close to the building only venturing a little way onto the playground.

During the second semester they installed a fence around the playground. Nothing else changed but immediately the children began to move out and use the entire playground.

Without boundaries they felt insecure and huddled together for safety. Knowing their limits provided a sense of security and safety that actually encouraged the children to venture out.

In the same way, when we set limits on our children it provides a sense of security. Unrestrained children intuitively sense they are unprotected, vulnerable.

At the first of the year my teacher friend closely adhered to the rules. Violate a rule and you knew what would happen. The kids knew where the boundaries were and felt secure within those fences.

But the kids were behaving so well that he began to cut some slack – look the other way, not strictly enforce the rules. After all, they were good kids. And they were good kids but without knowing it, he had thrown their world into chaos by “moving the fence”.

Think of rules like an invisible electric fence. The children feel free to wander the entire playground because they feel secure within the fence. If they touch the fence they get a shock – consequences for going too far. But they feel secure because they know what will happen and when it will happen. So they can easily avoid it and have plenty of space to play.

But, if we fail to enforce a rule – they touch the fence and nothing happens – it leaves them wondering, “Where is the new fence line? Are there any real boundaries or am I totally unprotected?”

The only way they can find out if there is still a fence around them is to keep pushing and pushing until they get shocked – consequences. Warnings don’t do it. Threats don’t do it. Only the shock of the fence says, “Yes, you are still secure. There are still very real, though invisible, boundaries.”

By not enforcing the rules, my friend was actually causing the children to have to push and push him until he finally took action. They needed to know there was still a fence and where it was.

We all feel more secure when we know what is expected of us and what will happen if we go too far.

When we are inconsistent or fail to enforce rules we force our children to keep pushing until they feel the sting of the fence – which tells them where the real boundaries are. They need to know someone cares enough to set protective boundaries and enforce those boundaries.

My friend went back to the students, apologized for not enforcing the rules consistently and let them know that from here on out, even though they were good kids, if they touched the fence they would feel the “shock” of the consequences for breaking the rules. Order returned and he could then enjoy being with them because they felt secure – assured that someone loved them enough to make and enforce protective boundaries.