Why kids push and push until we get angry.

We were driving through southern Mexico with three very hyper kids in the back seat of an old GMC Suburban. We had a lot of miles to drive before we would reach a safe town to spend the night. The kids – one in particular – had been pushing my buttons all day but I didn’t want to stop and risk not making it to a town before dark. Driving after dark in that part of Mexico could be very dangerous. I knew if I would pull over and attack the backseat chaos I could get at least an hour of quiet but I was afraid that what I was dreaming of doing could also get me 50 years in a Mexican jail.

Do your kids ever push and push until you finally “have all you can stands and you can’t stands no more”? Why is it they sometimes keep pushing until we finally get angry and do something? Are they just trying to upset us?

You’ve probably seen those invisible dog fences. When the dog wanders past the “fence line” a shock lets him know he has gone too far. Now imagine a sadistic owner who constantly moves the fence line. The only way the dog can find his limits is to go further and further until he gets shocked.

Some parents are like that with their children. They make a rule – establish a fence line. “If you cross this line negative consequence will follow.” It could be telling a toddler to not touch something or establishing a curfew for a middle schooler. But when the child crosses the line nothing happens. It is just too much work to ZAP them so we act like we didn’t notice or we waste perfectly good air by giving a lecture.

But the child is left wondering, “Where are my boundaries?” They have to keep pushing you further and further until they feel the “shock” – you actually do something.

Even as adults we push till the authority takes action. Is the speed limit really what the sign says? Everyone knows you don’t get a ticket unless going 10 miles above the posted limit. So isn’t that the real speed limit?  If you daily drove past a patrol car doing 15 miles over with no consequences you’d begin to assume the “real” speed limit is plus 15.

There is a place for grace but when we do not give the promised negative consequences for disobedience we make our word meaningless and we actually push our children to behave more and more outlandishly to discover what is really acceptable. Where is the real fence line?

Too often the real fence line is when we lose our temper. Then we discipline out of anger. Why not just enforce the fence line you laid out to begin with? Presumably you had a reason for setting it where you did. Why get pushed to anger before you keep your word and do what you promised?

Love, not anger, needs to be our motivation for enforcing rules we make.

If the rule is not in the best interest of the child and others then drop or change the rule. But if there is a legitimate reason for the rule then enforce it.

Think about it: Just as a parent disciplines a child, the LORD your God disciplines you for your own good.      Deuteronomy 8:5 NLT